Tomorrow

Back to the RE office tomorrow. I'm on round 2 of Provera and Clomid (increased dose).

I dunno how I feel. I'm honestly trying not to get my hopes up that I'm ovulating. I haven't yet. I want to maintain a balance between being hopeful and getting crushed over and over. It's hard.

I have some down time planned for after..I figure if it doesn't work, I'll pick myself up and move on. I didn't cry last visit, I was sort of numb. I can't even get to the negative preg. test stage...I can't even ovulate! It's so hard to be patient.

Nathan is going to be gone on rotation for 2 months and it'll be hard to see him except every other weekend or so, and I'll be going on a mission trip for 10 days...so if this round doesn't work, we might have to take a month off, which i cannot IMAGINE doing.

I'm going to just relax tonight, pray about it, stay open minded...and like all the rest of us, get through tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

Taking the night off...

We had a good time, but I was getting the flu the whole time and didn't realize it. I thought i was sick from acupuncture, because it makes me a little woozy. Nope! It was  the flu, but we still had fun.

So I stayed home yesterday and finally drug myself out to get stuff for dinner. Nathan got me a really nice card, and flowers. we just sat around all evening and it was nice and low key.

I'm really really thankful that I have Nathan. He doesn't always get what I'm going through, but he does try to. He is always there for me. He's the nicest person I know.

In the end, I'm thankful to love someone enough to WANT to start a family with them, even if it isn't all turning out to be as easy as I'd hoped.

So, here's to 8 Valentine's Day's together, along with every other day I get to enjoy all year long :)

Oh, Happy Day

Ah, no I'm not pregnant, even though I have a really happy blog title. Trust me, if I ever get pregnant, the title will be WAYYY bigger and scream-y and CAP-y and...you get the idea.

I had a good day! And that is something to celebrate!

I'm not saying I have miserable days every day. But it's been a hard month..it really has been. I feel like I've had so much going on that every day that I'm NOT crying or upset or depressed(almost) is a victory. It hasn't even just been the PCOS..it's been that and personal issues, friend issues..just life I guess, but it has been rough.

I've had pretty good days, and ok days..but today I had a GOOD day. I don't even know if I know why. We had a delay at work, so I slept in. Then the kiddos were being super funny instead of super irritating for once (and on a Friday!). Then we had a bomb threat, which WAS a huge pain, but I was in a good mood so it was ok.

I had a parent meeting about a student that has been having some issues. I meet with problems like that as part of my job and I've seen this family a lot. I don't always get to interact with the families of my students, so it was nice to get to connect a little more. As I had the meeting, I just felt like I was making a difference that day, if only to one person. That's a big deal to me.

Then I went to dinner with a new friend, and it was wonderful too. I have plans to go to acupuncture with another friend tomorrow...I've felt lonely and tonight I felt..like the kind of person who is finally emerging from this cave of stress and pressure.

Maybe it'll just last tonight, maybe not. I don't care. Every day I can get above this is a victory, and tonight, I'm going to enjoy it.

Round 2

 

So...tonight I start Clomid again. 

Some people don't have much of a reaction to Clomid. Sadly, I was not one of them. 

Provera gave me my first period in almost a year, so THAT was a super special treat. 

Then I started Clomid...*shudder*. I have Post Traumatic Clomid Syndrome. I had it all..night sweats, hot flashes, mood swings...I felt like I had ants in my veins..I pretty much wanted to just go in a corner and scream. After the first few days it got tolerable, but needless to say, I wasn't interested in Clomid again, especially since the only side effect I DIDN'T get was ovulation...

But alas, when I went to get the new prescription of the ovulation drug I'd be taking instead of Clomid, turns out it cost $200, instead of Clomid's $18. As we all know, insurance won't touch anything to do with infertility, so I didn't have much choice on that one. 

So I start it again tonight, and I'm not going to  lie, I'm worried. I felt crazzzzzy last time. I'm a teacher! I can't handle feeling crazy when the kids are driving me crazy!

But I'm going to do it, of course. And I'm going to try to not get my hopes up..then decide if it's worse to get my hopes up or not get my hopes up. But we all know I will..because some day I'll get them up and it will work..there will be a kiddo out there somewhere with my name on him/her, whether I give birth to it or not.

If the hot flashes don't kill me.

The Smug Pregnants

And for the video that saved the day in the last post...my fav. video right now.


Pregnant Women are Smug

And yes, someday I may be pregnant and smug. And yes, pregnant women deserve respect and all that. Obviously.

But this is my blog, and I've spent the day taking meds that don't work and make me sick, having an anxiety attack, a horrendous provera-induced period, and waxing my chin, so you know what? I'm allowed to laugh at this video. So there.

Trama

Well, looks like I didn't do so well at keeping up on this..but I will. I thought I needed to blog so I'd remember everything once it was (oh please God) over. Then I realized there's no way I'll ever forget this. I won't forget the feelings, good or bad. It's too life changing to forget.

But, I want to blog anyway. So many blogs have helped me.If one person reads this and feels better, I'll feel like it was worth it.

So, I'll hit on the last few months in another post. Basically..birthday, Christmas, first RE appointments, first period in a year, first failed Clomid cycle..and there's my last few months in a nutshell.

So back to tonight.

I had a good day. It hasn't been a good month. I've felt some days like I'm hanging onto my grip on everything by my fingertips. I've managed to claw my way out of feeling depressed and overwhelmed, sometimes just one day at a time. Today I was doing pretty well.

N(my husband) and I were going to meet a friend at a restaurant. I hadn't felt very good all day but I wanted to get out and I knew N was dying for some wings, so we decided to go. Nice ride down and all that.

We get there and open the door to go in, and I see that our friend invited another friend of ours without telling us. A friend I specifically vet these sorts of things for to make sure a visit isn't sprung on me out of suprise. A very pregnant, younger than me, suprise pregnancy friend. If I have warning, I can deal with this, but this came out of nowhere, in the middle of a HUGELY stressful, upsetting week.

I pretty much had a heart attack on the spot and ran into the women's bathroom. I started having an anxiety attack in the stall (yes it was a real one. That's another blog. I hope I haven't cemented myself as the complete crazy lady yet, but if I have, oh well).
I could not believe how sudden and complete my feelings of panic were. It was just instantaneous. I couldn't breathe, I had tears in my eyes, I had to sit down. I literally didn't know what to do. I texted N and said "I'm in the bathroom. I can't come out." I felt sooo so bad because I wanted to not be crazy in the bathroom unable to go out there but I was. I could not physically walk out there and make small talk and smile and ask questions. I've had to do it, I've done it, but tonight, I couldn't.

So there we were,texting each other. N texts me back and says "We'll leave. I told them your brother needed us to let his dog out. Meet me in the car". I went out to the car without seeing anyone. I stood there in the snow, freezing, so embarrassed. N didn't deserve someone that couldn't function. We just wanted to go out and eat like normal people. But we aren't normal people all the time anymore.

N came out and got in the car. I didn't know what to say, I felt so bad that I had caused such a problem. I started crying again (if I could just market my ability to cry instantly somehow...) and apologizing. N said "I'm really really sorry, I had no idea she was coming, I didn't mean to make you have to go through that." He was really visably upset. It was almost enough to make me stop crying. I felt so bad, but he wasn't upset that I couldn't handle it. He isn't the most vocal person. He doesn't always get how hard it is, but tonight showed me that he DID get it. He knew I couldn't go in there, and he wasn't going to make me. In fact, he was almost as upset as I was.

I kept crying, not that I had much control over it. I was so tramatized and upset and embarrassed. Then he looked at me and quoted on of our favorite videos (The Smug Pregnants, look it up on Youtube) and I started laughing and he started laughing and we both were just like....omgosh. We have totally lost our minds.

We decided to go out to eat on our own, and got a lot of dessert.

So this post is super long, but I guess the point is...tonight sucked. Having this sucks, having this with an anxiety/depressive disorder sucks even more. I have NO idea why God decided this was going to be a part of our marriage.

But I do know tonight was a night I won't forget, and not just because of the painful parts. I won't forget tonight because my husband was 100% there for me, no questions asked. He put my feelings first. He also didn't want to deal with it, because this is hard for him too. If we weren't dealing with fertility problems, maybe we'd never be as close as we are now. Would I trade that for a baby? I don't know. But I do know another piece of our marriage puzzle fit in nicely tonight.

I was sort of hoping for roses..but wine will do

Happy 4 month anniversary to you, PCOS diagnosis. Though I suspected all those years ago that you and I had a, shall I say, chemistry?-it wasn't until July 12,2010 (Also my 2nd wedding anniversary) that you and I could be open about our relationship.
There were things I would have rather had that day
*Flowers
*A new car
*A baby  (oh, who didn't see THAT coming?)
*Another kidney stone (in retrospect, the most painful physical condition I've had is starting to pale in comparison-not a good sign)


So, you were a little late to the party. My hypothyroidism beat you by appearing about a year earlier. Those 20 lbs also beat you, slacker. Don't invite any more guests. Your friends facial hair, weight gain, monster hormones, exhaustion, no carb,no sugar, no happiness diet, and Metformin (aka Throwing up is the new out-dancing at 2 AM) have taken up enough room, thanks.


And it's hard to fit anymore fun in when you're locked in a bathroom with a pillow.
(I wish I could blame all that on the PCOS,but I've been a bathroom-locker for a few years.)


So basically, you suck. A lot. You make me feel fat, abnormal, lonely, and childless (duh). You somehow leave alone the unemployeed teens that don't want kids. I think you're confused. But I'll forgive you if you go away. In fact, you have to go away, because I can't afford to treat you.


So. Welcome to my blog. I decided to make one because everyone that talks to me about PCOS and doesn't have it makes me want to hurt them. And I can't hurt everyone I know. Because then who would buy baby presents if for some reason I do have one? It wouldn't be wise.
Throughout this little walk in the park, I've really found myself feeling better after reading blogs about it. Because you know, you guys GET it. And all that. Never was much of a blogger. But if this makes someone else feel better, and lets me vent, it'll be worth it.


I'll be sad sometimes. And needing advice. And probably a little frustrated.
But! I'll also be ok. And maybe funny. You'll have to let me know!


More later.


-A