Trama

Well, looks like I didn't do so well at keeping up on this..but I will. I thought I needed to blog so I'd remember everything once it was (oh please God) over. Then I realized there's no way I'll ever forget this. I won't forget the feelings, good or bad. It's too life changing to forget.

But, I want to blog anyway. So many blogs have helped me.If one person reads this and feels better, I'll feel like it was worth it.

So, I'll hit on the last few months in another post. Basically..birthday, Christmas, first RE appointments, first period in a year, first failed Clomid cycle..and there's my last few months in a nutshell.

So back to tonight.

I had a good day. It hasn't been a good month. I've felt some days like I'm hanging onto my grip on everything by my fingertips. I've managed to claw my way out of feeling depressed and overwhelmed, sometimes just one day at a time. Today I was doing pretty well.

N(my husband) and I were going to meet a friend at a restaurant. I hadn't felt very good all day but I wanted to get out and I knew N was dying for some wings, so we decided to go. Nice ride down and all that.

We get there and open the door to go in, and I see that our friend invited another friend of ours without telling us. A friend I specifically vet these sorts of things for to make sure a visit isn't sprung on me out of suprise. A very pregnant, younger than me, suprise pregnancy friend. If I have warning, I can deal with this, but this came out of nowhere, in the middle of a HUGELY stressful, upsetting week.

I pretty much had a heart attack on the spot and ran into the women's bathroom. I started having an anxiety attack in the stall (yes it was a real one. That's another blog. I hope I haven't cemented myself as the complete crazy lady yet, but if I have, oh well).
I could not believe how sudden and complete my feelings of panic were. It was just instantaneous. I couldn't breathe, I had tears in my eyes, I had to sit down. I literally didn't know what to do. I texted N and said "I'm in the bathroom. I can't come out." I felt sooo so bad because I wanted to not be crazy in the bathroom unable to go out there but I was. I could not physically walk out there and make small talk and smile and ask questions. I've had to do it, I've done it, but tonight, I couldn't.

So there we were,texting each other. N texts me back and says "We'll leave. I told them your brother needed us to let his dog out. Meet me in the car". I went out to the car without seeing anyone. I stood there in the snow, freezing, so embarrassed. N didn't deserve someone that couldn't function. We just wanted to go out and eat like normal people. But we aren't normal people all the time anymore.

N came out and got in the car. I didn't know what to say, I felt so bad that I had caused such a problem. I started crying again (if I could just market my ability to cry instantly somehow...) and apologizing. N said "I'm really really sorry, I had no idea she was coming, I didn't mean to make you have to go through that." He was really visably upset. It was almost enough to make me stop crying. I felt so bad, but he wasn't upset that I couldn't handle it. He isn't the most vocal person. He doesn't always get how hard it is, but tonight showed me that he DID get it. He knew I couldn't go in there, and he wasn't going to make me. In fact, he was almost as upset as I was.

I kept crying, not that I had much control over it. I was so tramatized and upset and embarrassed. Then he looked at me and quoted on of our favorite videos (The Smug Pregnants, look it up on Youtube) and I started laughing and he started laughing and we both were just like....omgosh. We have totally lost our minds.

We decided to go out to eat on our own, and got a lot of dessert.

So this post is super long, but I guess the point is...tonight sucked. Having this sucks, having this with an anxiety/depressive disorder sucks even more. I have NO idea why God decided this was going to be a part of our marriage.

But I do know tonight was a night I won't forget, and not just because of the painful parts. I won't forget tonight because my husband was 100% there for me, no questions asked. He put my feelings first. He also didn't want to deal with it, because this is hard for him too. If we weren't dealing with fertility problems, maybe we'd never be as close as we are now. Would I trade that for a baby? I don't know. But I do know another piece of our marriage puzzle fit in nicely tonight.